Perversion Tactics
by theshukri
Summary: It takes five minutes of insults against his name to finally crack Hyuuga Neji. A dare later, some more cracks about his hair, and Naruto, Kiba and Neji find themselves in a race to prove who can be the most perverted bastard in all of Konoha. No pairing
1. Vodka is a beautiful thing

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of it's characters, make no profit, yada yada yada, blah blah blah, I am but a mere pawn in the grand design of life. And for the love of god I'm not responsible if you lose a limb or two after attempting anything in this fic.

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PERVERSION TACTICS

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**Chapter One: **Vodka Is A Beautiful Thing.

After coming home from a three-year long training program with the Toad Hermit, Uzumaki Naruto was all for a reunion party with all the Rookie Twelve (including Team Gai), suggested and planned by your residential Inuzaka Kiba and Yamanaka Ino. _Most _of the not-so-rookies were pumped up for such a thing, Tenten said she'd bring the beer, Chouji said he'd eat the food, Sakura said she'd bring Naruto (who had no clue where the meeting point was) and Hinata stuttered out she'd drag Neji along.

The last came as quite a shock.

But alas, it was not to be, for said Hyuuga (the male, of course) was out on a mission along with one Rock Lee; both of which had been displaying promising future's of taking the Eternal Rival positions currently held by Kakashi and Gai. The pair were constantly competing with each other on who could do the most field missions, who could get away with the most insane feats and generally who was better then who (not that Neji ever said such a thing). Naruto was quite jealous to hear both were throwing out B rank missions with the occasional A like Naruto threw out Kage Bunshins.

So forwarding the reunion to a later date, Naruto had gone along with Sakura and the freak Sai to go and find Sasuke. That particular mission didn't go down so well. But when they came back, it was with great joy that Kiba proclaimed the whole group was currently in Konoha.

And so, they held the reunion.

True to her word, Hinata had somehow succeeded in bringing Neji. The last remaining Dark Prince Type (for Sasuke had previously kept all the rabid fan girls away from him) was currently seated in between one Inuzaka Kiba - to his left - and one, _guess who_, Uzumaki Naruto to his right.

Needless to say, he was not pleased.

Tenten had somehow gotten her trigger-happy hands on beer (_weren't they all underage?_), Chouji indeed ate all the food the small (but long) comfortable bar/restaurant had laden their table with, and Inuzaka Kiba and Yamanaka Ino were respectively providing the entertainment (drunk Kiba was surprisingly amusing) and hosting (Ino was showing quite the skill for managing parties and social events). To the older Hyuuga's silent appreciation, Naruto apparently couldn't get drunk, something everybody was quite amused (and loudly told) about.

"I CAN'T GET DRUNK! WHAT THE HELL!"

Slamming the fourth bottle of sake onto the table, the purely sober Uzumaki grabbed another and attempted to inhale it in one go. To his left, Neji could hear Kiba drunkenly snickering and murmuring "sucks to be you" - something Neji couldn't understand at all considering not being able to get intoxicated was something he'd personally _kill _for. Ah, but he killed anyway didn't he…? Hmm, a strange conundrum… Oh! Simple. Usually he killed on a mission, thus by killing he received pay, and it was that pay that he killed for. But for _this_, to be able to never get poisoned, drugged, _intoxicated_, well hell, he'd kill for _free_.

Yes. Conundrum solved. He really was a genius.

Sipping daintily on the sake cup that a slightly tipsy Tenten had thrown at him (with such good aim not a drop had spilled), he took stock of the state of his so called comrades. Shikamaru was snoring right in front of him, the two remaining geniuses- oh wait, wasn't the Aburame a genius too…? _Hmmm, _tonight just seemed to be _filled _with conundrums. Swivelling his eyes to the said male, he took stock of the silent young man with sunglasses and jacket still on (Neji didn't really have much on to begin with to take off). The Aburame was just sitting there, next to a bickering Sakura and Ino, just staring straight ahead with Akamaru's head on his lap. There was a sake cup in front of him, and Neji suspected he saw a small black line of dots protruding from beneath the table, onto it, and into the cup.

Drunk bugs.

The thought disturbed him greatly.

Chouji was eating and eating and _eating_. But the man wasn't too drunk, just a nice healthy flush on his cheeks. Neji nodded to himself in approval, it was good to see someone wasn't stupid enough to get too intoxicated in a village full of insane shinobi. Lee, _thank the gods_, hadn't touched a drop of alcohol - not for without trying, of course - every time he went too close to one, a kunai, shuriken, or _something_ would launch out of seemingly nowhere and almost butcher off a finger. So even a drunk Tenten still had good aim. That thought intrigued him - at least he'd learned that from this time wasting event. Somehow, among all the ruckus and chaos the ten Chuunins, one Jounin and a Genin were making, many of the team's ex-Jounin-instructors had wondered and joined right in. Many who _weren't _their instructors had also taken it upon themselves to join - and the group of twelve had substantially grown to a small gathering of… Well, _shinobi's_.

Needless to say, he was quite frightened to see Hinata chatting amiably with Gai, and in a move that rose an eyebrow from the silent Aburame, kicked the drooling Shikamaru awake who jolted and smacked an elbow into Hinata (who was next to him and conveniently sitting opposite Naruto) who fell face first into Gai's chest. Hinata would be too embarrassed to carry on a conversation with the man. Shikamaru was too disorientated (and he's a ninja?) to realise who had hurt him. All in all, he'd prevented a great catastrophe on the mental state of the world from taking place. Oh yes, Neji was indeed a genius. Props to him.

As such, it never occurred to him that maybe, _perhaps_, he was quite tipsy himself. If it ever did occur to him, he'd reason that he wasn't _drunk_, but just on the verge of tipsiness for him to even think such a thing - but alas, it never did, and instead, he continued taking stock of the occupants of their once-humble gathering.

Kurenai was getting quite creative with her bandages. Asuma was immensely enjoying himself.

Kakashi was snickering loudly along with a blushing Kiba who were both hiding behind that small orange book Neji knew (from Lee) was porn.

Gai had given up trying to get Hinata to stop apologising and was now talking quite calmly with Shino. He'd have to do something about that. For the sake of humanity he had to do something about that.

Somehow, a scantily dressed Anko had appeared in the mix, a suggestive Genma was playing with his senbon (Neji _refused _to think of what perverted ways that particular phrase could be taken) while staring at a kunai-wielding Tenten (did the man have no shame, she'd only recently turned 16!), and spotted all over the place where various people he could only name some off; Raidou, the two guys who'd been the proctors for the first Chuunin Exams and were _always together_, goddamn _Ibiki_ (who was now, along with Kakashi, giving _advice _to Kiba on which books of the Icha Icha Franchise were particularly interesting) and of course Tsunade.

He wasn't quite surprised to see Tsunade… Free booze and all.

Naruto, to his right, was still unsuccessfully trying to get plastered through the wonders of alcohol from the West - apparently, from what Neji could get from just tuning in, the blonde idiot was trying to mix the strongest sake they had along with some clear-liquid drink called _Vodka_. Such a strange name, but Neji quite liked the sound of it. In fact, he liked it so much he plucked the strange glass bottle right out of the Uzumaki's grubby hands (ignoring the squawk of indignation that followed) and took a long, satisfying, swig right from the bottle.

Silence.

Now, he quite frankly knew he'd just tipped over the "tipsy" bar and was in the beginnings of being quite drunk, but even so he was quite sure the alcohol hadn't permanently caused him deafness. Intrigued by the silence (oh, blessed silence), he looked around slowly only to see the occupants of the room's every eye fastened onto him with eerie precision. Baffled by why they would all be looking at him (Hinata was particularly imitating a fish out of water quite well), he looked back at the now half-empty bottle, then back at everyone, and back again at the bottle. It hit him then why everyone was looking; obviously they were all expecting a remark on the drink.

"It's good."

The fact that everyone continued staring at him could easily be explained by their imbecile brains taking time to process speech, especially so considering almost all of them had drunk at least three cups of sake (minus Lee). It was only when Naruto, who he'd completely forgotten about, turned to him and screamed in his ear that he realised his first assumptions had been quite wrong.

"HOLY SHIT, YOU DRINK!"

That got everybody's attention, because with all due respect Naruto had quite the large set of lungs (something Neji accused the Kyuubi off - another _thing _he'd kill for free, or well… transfer over to himself… not that he'd say that out loud… -cough-), and Neji felt a spike of satisfaction when Sakura bashed a chakra-induced fist into the idiot's head, breaking the low-table they were huddled around in half. The restaurant owner was easily placated by a dismissive wave from Tsunade. Still, the male Hyuuga deemed necessary to answer such a question, since once more everybody had more or less turned their attention to him.

"If you did not realize, I've been drinking ever since you forced me to sit next to your accursed self."

See? He couldn't be drunk; he was still speaking perfectly. Albeit, he'd never had so blatantly added the word _accursed _into it if he were a hundred percent alcohol-free.

Pondering on the meaning behind life and all things good (while nursing the bottle of Vodka quite preciously - he'd grown fond of it), a sly look had passed between the new owner of three Icha Icha books and Naruto. Leaning backwards a bit, the Inuzaka and Uzumaki traded silent messages with eyebrow and facial movements, then, seemingly satisfied, sat back up properly again only to drape themselves all over the Vodka-drinking Hyuuga.

"So ne, what else have you been hiding from us, Neji~?"

The breathless purr from Naruto had Genma perking up (ever the forerunner for some foreplay) and pretty much everybody else huddling close to witness one of a life time event of a drunk porn-blessed Kiba and sober Naruto harass a nobody's-quite-sure-what-the-hell-his-intoxicated-status-is Neji. Kakashi had already paid Gai while grumbling about Hyuuga bastards seemingly being able to keep their drinks, so now he was quite hoping for a chance to make another bet and get his money back.

Non perturbed, Neji shrugged off the two, both of which resorting to leaning on the broken table to peer up at the pale Jounin. He smirked at them, and the two scowled knowing fully well what had just gone through his head. Damn it felt good to be the only Jounin among his grade.

"You do realize, as a Hyuuga and generally head of the Branch Family, I'm expected to join social functions along with Hinata-sama correct?"

The pair - and everybody else - nodded dumbly.

"Let's just say foreign alcohol is a favourite among my brethrens. We tire easily from sake."

As if needing any further reassurance of his authenticity (since when did he lie, dammit?), the group all simultaneously turned to Hinata, who nodded hesitantly and gently sipped her own alcohol, a few dozens or so cups scattered neatly around her. Shino raised the other eyebrow.

Undaunted, the delinquent pair turned back to Neji, determined to ruffle his feathers. A silent message that would have done any other ninja proud passed between the pair, and the highly drunk and unfortunately sober duo expertly played their cards. "So you probably know _everything _about the alcohol industry, hmm~?"

"An' tha' means ya'v been drinkin' from like wha…? … Uuuuh… Dude, when did ya pa die…?"

Neji tensed slightly, Hinata winced, Gai, Lee and Tenten got ready to jump in and save the poor fool named Kiba from certain death - but Kakashi didn't have the pleasure of seeing a rabid Hyuuga as Neji breathed out slowly and only glared at the wall above Shikamaru's head.

"Six."

Kiba blundered right on. "So ya'v been drinkin' since ya was six? Man, ya'v got more bawls then I evah gave ya credit fo'." This was said with approving nods that stopped immediately and were quickly followed by a groan. Naruto picked up where he left off.

"So what else have ya been doing since you were six, _eh_?" The leer in his voice had Hinata blushing furiously, Shino right index finger twitching and many people (including Kakashi) staring incredulously at Naruto. Neji raised an eyebrow.

None of them had thought Naruto was intelligent enough to _be _a pervert.

And they weren't being cruel or mean when they said that; it was all through intelligence and logical conclusions that they came to that fact. Naruto had created the infamous Sexy no Jutsu, at a young age mine you, something he'd actually tried on Neji once only to fail horribly (Neji had stated he preferred long-haired chicks). He'd trained under Kakashi and quite well knew what the man read almost daily. He'd trained under _Jiraiya_, read many of the man's manuscripts (even changed one on an occasion), witnessed many of the man's "research" and been _around _him for _three whole years_. He'd gone to get Tsunade and appoint her as Hokage. _Tsunade_. And not once had he made a comment, looked at, or even generally taken note of her… Impressive… Personality… So to speak. So they all thought the guy was a complete lost case when it came to the wonders of sexual attraction.

Apparently not.

Before Sakura could scream out a reprimand, before Kakashi could whistle and compliment his student on the beautiful subtlety hidden in his statement, before Tsunade could bet with Anko that Neji would go crazy and consequently Wound Someone; Neji answered.

"Your imagination is running with you."

Not the answer anybody had been expecting, but as the rest of the group watched Neji calmly take another swig of the delicious brew he would prefer from then on, they all figured it was a beautiful comeback. But unbeknown to them, this had been _exactly _what Kiba and Naruto had been waiting for, and Kiba quickly jumped on the train. Figuratively, of course, he could do no jumping in his current state.

"Man, 'course, s'not like Neji 'ere is anythin' bu' a pruuuu_uuuudeeeee_. I be' he dun even 'ave a perverted bone _in _him, ya'kno?"

Naruto snickered, Kakashi and Genma watched with rapid fascination at the drama unfolding before them, Gai and Lee practically held each other in apprehension of the moment Neji would explode and Tenten was making quite a fortune in her newly made beer-business (as if she'd give all these _amateurs_ - minus Neji, she thought - beer for free).

"Yeah, man, guess you're right. He's probably even worse then Iruka-sensei, at least _he _knows when something improper has been said and blushes like crazy. Poor Neji here probably has absolutely no clue when people say… Things…"

Shizune had at some point arrived intent on taking Tsunade back with her, but was now seated between Hinata and Gai (who was still hugging Lee) enraptured as the Hyuuga calmly ordered three more bottles of Vodka and systematically continued drinking. Kakashi refused to be jealous of a damn teenager.

"'Ell, he'll prolly end up bein' pu' in sum arranged marriage or sum-wat, y'kno? Right, Naru?"

"Yeah, he'd never score a hot babe or two man, poor fucker."

This dishonourable display of ganging up on Neji continued for a few precious minutes, where everybody's apprehension of a most spectacular cacophony of chaos would erupt from the Hyuuga - only to once hold their breath as Neji swallowed and opened his mouth, and to gasp when all he did was speak.

"I find this ironic coming from you two."

Now this was an incredibly turn of events, not only was Neji not beating the living daylight out of the two idiots, but he was actually joining in on this strange conversation and taking part in it - _by not refusing to join. _Naruto and Kiba, plus everyone else, were curious as to what exactly the Hyuuga found ironic. Hinata was nervously wondering just how bad things were going to get by the end of the night, Sakura, poor _drunk _Sakura, was wondering why she'd never quite taken the time to appreciate Neji's finely chiselled chest (which was proudly displayed to the world with the clothes he'd begun wearing after he'd outgrew the previous ones) and Tenten was beginning to feel that Neji was going to spectacularly own the Uzumaki and Inuzaka in just a few seconds time.

"What the hell's ironic about it, huh bastard?" Naruto, ever the one to jump to defence when presented with a conundrum, said.

Neji merely contemplated while staring through the vodka bottle, looking through the clear liquid to the bottom of said glass. If this liquid was truly 'clear', then why could he see _where_ the liquid was…? A slight poke from under the table and a pointed look from Shikamaru had him returning to the present where everyone was once more staring at him. So he answered back.

"I do believe your only _friends _in that aspect happen to be your right hands."

Silence.

Once more, Neji was not discouraged by this, logically reasoning that everybody was processing what he said. This time, however, he was correct, and when jaws dropped, bottles crashed on floors and Genma burst out laughing, Neji nodded in satisfaction agreeing wholeheartedly with that particular saying: _Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me._

It took a few more seconds of everybody else whooping and cheering for Naruto and Kiba to process the barely layered insult, but Neji knew exactly when it did, for Naruto practically screamed in his face and Kiba went incredibly pale.

After many few moments of spluttering and lame attempts at a decent comeback, the delinquent duo stared at each other in despair and silently conversed on how to deal with the new turn of events. Once a battle plan had been forged from the fiery depths of hell, they, with a glint in their eye, turned once more to Neji, automatically causing silence to return to the other occupants who watched enraptured.

"So, since you and your pansy-ass hair think you're all _it_-" Naruto began.

"-we dare ya to do _anythin' _perverted to _anybody_." Kiba finished.

They both grinned in victory.

The trim and proper Neji, while loose and relaxed as a drunk, would never stoop to such a level as to bring disgrace to the Hyuuga name, _never_. As ninja's, none of them were expected to play/fight/challenge honourably and make things _fair_ - as a ninja, they all pretty much would use any and all weaknesses and shortcomings to exploit a current enemy and win in the end.

Neji merely nodded his agreement.

Shocked, they didn't catch what he said next, and had to have it repeated to them by an incredibly amused Kakashi.

"He said all _three _of you would partake in a challenge 'to prove who was most efficient in the art of perversion and generally being sexual'." Already Kakashi had bet on Naruto - the boy had to have learned _something _from Jiraiya. He was _so _going to win this - oh sweet _victory_.

Far more hesitant then Neji had been, the two canine-like boys (Kiba being an Inuzaka, _duh_, and Naruto with Kyuubi) slowly nodded, not wanting to back down and be seen as cowardly when Neji had quite blandly accepted such a result and _upped _it. Not at all noticing his challengers apprehension, Neji requested that somebody state the terms and rules of the challenge. Everybody naturally turned to Kakashi.

Shrugging, the one-eyed man gave a 'n' smile and took his responsibility like the man he was! "All you three have the length of a week, you may do whatever you're going to do at any time, any way, or any how you wish as long as it's in public and there is a witness to attest to it. Cannot be a friend, family member, or _dog_," Akamaru growled. "You are to try and out pervert each other, and in the end of the week we will use witness accounts as well as the target of your perversion to rate who wins."

Sakura, ever the intelligent one, piped in. "Who will be the judges?"

Kakashi gave another crinkly smile that held an incredibly misplayed amount of pride. "Well of course one will be me, another will be Genma," Genma whooped in glee. "And I think for the third judge…" A look of pondering crossed his face (everyone systematically wondered how it was possible for one eye to portray such emotions) and after a second Kakashi pointed to an inebriated Anko who was busy weighing the pro's and con's of her boobs compared to Tsunade's. "Her."

Everybody watched as Anko pondered (with a few hand grabs to compare) whether large boobs where better then perfectly sized ones.

Everybody nodded in approval. The three judges were all different and experts in their chosen perversion. Kakashi was subtlety and witty perverted comebacks wrapped up in layers, Genma was poor innuendo's and blatant pick up lines with little to no shame, and Anko was downright in-your-face smut with a violent display of indecency. They would do well.

Kakashi clapped in glee. "Now that we have all the technicalities done and out of the way, your challenge starts tomorrow morning, good luck to all participants and _may the perversion be with you!_"

And thus, the race was on.

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**AN: I don't even know _where _this idea came from, I _do_ however know that I was thinking of something _completely _sane and then this popped up causing me to grin like a madman, conversation around me to cease and many, _many_, people to slowly edge away. I'll probably write a day for each chapter, so expect seven more after this or something; and believe it or not but I'm using my brother's laptop to store and upload this all from. He's also reading it. And other then the odd question ("why does this Kakashi guy only have one eye?") is re-evaluating his impression of me. Thankfully this _isn't _going to be yaoi. Just pure fun. Crack. Humour. Whatever. PLEASE REVIEW. 8D**

**_~adeusparaiso_**


	2. Perversion to the fullest!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of it's characters, make no profit, yada yada yada, blah blah blah, I am but a mere pawn in the grand design of life. And for the love of god I'm not responsible if you lose a limb or two after attempting anything in this fic.**

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**PERVERSION TACTICS**

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**Chapter Two: **Perversion to the fullest!

It was the very next morning that both Naruto and Kiba were panicking.

Practically everybody in the village knew about the bet since it wouldn't do for the "challengers" to get bodily harmed by the "targets" of their challenge _or _to make it _too _easy for the challengers to win. All thanks to particularly gossipy people like Genma and Anko. Said gossipy people also boasted about being the judges, and even Kakashi gloated a bit here and there when people came up to him in awe of his awesomeness.

Iruka had quite thoroughly beaten the crap out of Naruto when he found out. He'd screamed, yelled, shouted, thrown harmless plants and dangerous shurikens at a frightened Naruto. He'd ranted on about _how _such a thing could ever happen, about _what _in the _world _was wrong with the people of this village and _why _was he the only sane one around here? Naruto, the unlucky fool, would have died in the first three minutes were it not for Kyuubi. Frankly, after fifteen, even Kyuubi was _begging for it to stop._

Tsume, on the other hand, had laughed and given Kiba pointers. The Inuzaka's, in general, were an open-minded group of people. They didn't care for things like social status, financial status, rank, gender or anything that could possibly give you stress. To them, the only things to get serious about were if your precious people were in danger. Things like perverted challenges? Nope, nothing to worry about. Hana, Kiba's sister, had gloated that she'd bet on _Neji_ rather then her own brother. Tsume had actually not taken part of the gambling - both Kiba and Hana speculated that she was broke.

Needless to say, the majority of the village's scrutiny was on one Hyuuga Neji.

He'd gone home last night after the reunion generally staring at his feet and ambling along. The streets had been pretty much empty (it was well past midnight from what he could tell) and street lanterns were giving off a warm glow that made him feel very _very_ relaxed. He'd gone straight home with no endeavours, gone straight to sleep after doing his customary night time rituals and promptly had no dreams. He'd woken up feeling refreshed and with no headache to speak off, gone to the dining room, formally greeted his elders and uncle, and sat down and ate breakfast. When Hiashi had heard the escalating gossip from the outside world, he'd been quite shocked and had promptly requested Neji's presence in his office after they'd eaten their food.

"Nephew… Is it true that you are… Part of this… Challenge…?"

Neji nodded. "Yes, uncle. I figured now was the time to purely set in stone that I do not take challenges to my integrity lightly."

Hiashi, slightly perplexed, nodded slowly. "Very well… Do you… Have a… _Battle _plan…?"

Neji once more nodded. "Everything is under control, uncle."

Again, the elder Hyuuga nodded slowly and dismissed the young man. An hour later he would still be sitting in his seat not quite grasping what had just happened.

Neji, once he'd woken up, had been quite shocked at his actions last night. Not at the fact that he had no hangover, no, the best way to minimize the morning after is always to stick to one drink and consume lots of water later on - both of which he'd done. But after analyzing everything that had happened the night before, everything he'd done and said, he'd come to the conclusion that _this_, the challenge he was officially part of with Uzumaki Naruto and Inuzaka Kiba, could actually work in his benefit quite well; especially so knowing that people would be watching him like hawks waiting for him to try anything.

That too, he figured, he could use to his advantage.

So he went about his normal life with as much normalcy as he could. After the meeting with Uncle Hiashi, he went to the in-built training grounds in the Hyuuga Compound and did his kata's, flowing in from one form to another and emptying his mind of thought. When life had fully stirred in the compound, he'd left and walked through the awakening streets of Konoha, through the market full of people, to his team's training ground like he did every other morning when he wasn't off on missions. Despite the fact he was a Jounin and his teammates were both Chuunin, Team Gai still kept the ritual to train and generally be in each other's presence - they even usually went on group missions or paired up with each other due to having best dynamic's between themselves.

All the while, he ignored the thousands of eyes boring into his skull as he made his small journey from home to the training grounds to meet up with Gai and the others. When he did, he gave them the customary nod of greeting. They, knowing him very well, acted normal too, and the team trained whole heartedly for much of the morning well into the afternoon. At three pm, they'd called it quits, and after being badgered by Tenten, Neji had reassured his team that he was perfectly fine and that everything was under control, just as he had done with the clan's head.

His perceptive skills didn't miss the worried look that passed between Gai and Lee, and he felt a warm rush of _something _at the fact the two were seriously worried for _them _(i.e. Naruto and Kiba) rather then him. They were worried Neji had completely snapped and was now plotting their deaths with as much sadistic tools and pain as possible and that this was merely the calm before the storm. He was touched by that. It was always nice to know people truly cared for you.

So he, being the thoughtful person that he was, reassured them too. No, he wasn't going to Wound Someone. No, he wasn't going to do _anything _to Akamaru, that was just despicable, the dog was kinda cute (for a dog the same size as a fully grown adult). After much confirming that he was indeed Hyuuga Neji, they'd finally let him go.

Inuzaka Kiba, on the other hand, was the first to actually _do_ something. After realising everybody was seeing this as a village-wide event of some sort and that nobody would _actually_ kill him for saying something crude, he'd walked up, in the middle of a busy street, to a busty looking woman and declared at the top of his voice that she was beautiful. That wasn't too much of a lie anyway - the woman had long curly brown hair, the sharpest of hazel eyes and a bosom to rival Tsunade's.

Actually, now that he thought about it, Konohagakure no Sato really _was _full of the best beautie's in all of the five Shinobi Nations. It made sense that through all his "research" Jiraiya usually _always _came back to Konoha one way or another - and hell, even the crazy chicks had a certain _charm _to them if one squinted. Like his mother - _sure_, she'd scared his dad away; but he must have been _damn _smitten in the _first _place to have gotten with her to have _two _children. Anko too, past all the crude language and violent bursts of... Well, _violence_. Her clothes were damn flattering for one, and Kiba was quite certain there were many people who digged the Dominatrix typa' chick in the first place. Huh, if nothing else, this challenge had at least taught him that.

But back to the present, having just declared the woman in front of him was beautiful, Kiba focused once more only to see said middle-aged woman staring right back at him, so he grinned that devilishly handsome grin of his (which was honestly quite feral) and confidently followed it up with the punch line. "I would say that I'm in love with you, but you'd think I'm tryin' to pull a fast one."

Nobody even blinked.

Wondering what he'd done wrong (and slightly worried he'd miscalculated the village not killing him for being a pervert), Kiba had looked around confused only to have the woman he'd spoken to snort (quite rudely) in his face.

"Sorry brat, need to do a whole lot better then that." And then she walked away, swaying her hips in a tantilizing view of left to right, left to right, left to right, and disappearing beneath the once more busy crowd.

Well damn.

Next up was Naruto. He'd been the most affected by this whole fiasco so far by now - being beaten to a pulp by a pissed off Iruka-sensei was by no means a light joke. Hell, Naruto personally knew the reason why Iruka never applied for the Jounin-exams was because he actually _liked _teaching the hell-spawns he called students - but _damn _the man could run for _Hokage, _never mind being a Jounin; he could certainly do the paperwork of the village's leader for one, he'd have everybody's loyalty for two - and by the gods anybody who dared hurt his precious people (or hurt even something as frivolous as a tree outside the gates) would be subjected to the _nine levels of hell _through means not requiring chakra. These may or may not include pens, paper clips and an ingenious method of corporal punishment.

Miffed, he'd briefly wondered whether the challenge really was worth suffering the wrath of Umino, but on hearing about Kiba and his failed attempt, he realised the whole village would _disown _him if he were to chicken out and back down - and _then _how was he going to become the Hokage? So, he gathered up all his courage and walked up to the first pretty woman he saw in the middle of the street, unknowingly starting off _just_ like Kiba had done. What was _different_ though, was that he still had tears in his eyes from his recently healed wounds (Kyuubi was bemoaning the fact that not only was he stuck inside a blonde idiot, but the blonde idiot's self-appointed gaurdian was the _devil himself_), and with it, he'd looked up at the woman (who was surprisingly taller then him), jutted out his bottom lip and said, "Help the homeless. Take me home with you."

The woman tried valiantly to fight the urge to squeal and grab the cute blonde and do just that, the whole village was staring at the pair waiting for her reaction, and she couldn't very well make this challenge be an easy one for any of them. She tried so hard, _so hard_, but was completely won over when Naruto nervously twiddled his thumb, looking for all the world _so incredibly cute! _and _oh my god, I just wanna hug him and hold him and squeeze him and keep him in my bed and make him cry while I-_…

Naruto, in the end, turned out to be the victor.

But he later on found at, as he was dragged off to said woman's apartment, that he may not have won at all.

So, for the rest of the day, the public's hungry eye were on Neji, waiting for him to do something outrageous and perverted. Many people had bets (including Tsunade) on who the winner would be, however, only a small amount had actually betted on Neji - many people really thought the Hyuuga couldn't _possibly _be anything but a stuck-up-noble-with-a-stick-up-his-ass. The very few that _did _bet on Neji did it merely for the reason that the boy was a prodigy and had (apparently) accepted the challenge without a second thought - such a thing could only _mean_ the young adult had a secret weapon up his sleeve.

But after three hours and thirty five minutes, after birds stopped chirping and the sun was struggling an epic battle to not sink underneath the doom of the cackling horizon, many people had moved on and stopped milling around the young man who was currently seated on a bench finishing off a water bottle.

Gai came and went.

Kakashi spied and went.

Genma cried and went.

But nothing happened.

Iruka-sensei came and expressed his gratitude that at least _one _of his student wasn't a raging hormonal pervert, and after a nice pleasant conversation between past teacher and student (because Iruka used to teach him _History of Shinobi's_ every Wednesdays), he too went.

Tsunade came, tried ordering Neji to _do _something, but ultimately left after being threatened to turn rouge and brutally mutilate any and all Konoha nins sent after him or even stumble upon him by chance.

Hinata came and quietly said "good luck", and went.

It was when the street lanterns dotted around Konoha were turned on and fireflies with shining butts began flying around signalling the coming night that Neji stuck his index finger at a busty, red-headed, young woman who was randomly walking by and curled the finger in a beckoning motion. Repeatedly. Nobody really thought much about it, figuring it was business or something (this _was _Hyuuga Neji, after all), but nevertheless, being all gossip-whores, they watched. The girl, stopped in her tracks by being pointed at, pointed at herself just to make sure it was her that was wanted, looked behind her to see whether there was anybody else, then shrugged when an affirmative was the answer and walked to the Hyuuga, her ample bosom making many drool.

Once she reached Neji, who was calmly sitting on a bench next to Anko's favourite dango shop, he merely looked up at her for a bit. She looked back, her head tilted down slightly since the Hyuuga was seated, and quirked her head to the side a bit in confusion when nothing was said. Genma came once more out of pure random lack and joined the growing crowd to see a seriously sexy lady standing in front of the Hyuuga. Wondering what was going on, he decided to stick around.

"I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand."

The girl gaped at him, not being of _Konohanian_ origin and thus having no clue about the challenge. The crowd gaped at Neji, some suffering from destructive brain damage at the sheer _audacity_ the Hyuuga prodigy had just bluntly stated with a small _flicker_ in his eyes that equalled the greatest of leers. Genma's senbon dropped to the ground in _worship_.

They, the crowd, would have all clapped and jeered for the Hyuuga boy if the girl didn't at the point in time blush and bring her arms underneath her breasts, pushing them up to resemble two perfect (and large) marbles, then replied in a breathless purr. "Care to demonstrate?"

Hyuuga Neji merely gave a devilishly handsome smirk (and unlike Kiba this was backed up by many of the viewing people), stood up, and calmly said "maybe next time" then trotted along in the direction of the Hyuuga Compound leaving behind a flustered, red-headed, young woman, and an incredibly horny/aroused general public.

Genma ran with every bit of shinobi cell in his body to conspire with the other judges about this latest development, senbon forgotten.

The Hyuuga boy was showing to be quite talented.

* * *

**AN: I was planning on uploading this yesterday, but when I was re-reading it one last time (no beta D8) I realised it was _less then 2K _for a word count. I was quite surprised, as you can tell, so I've just tried extending it to at least pass that mark. Hopefully I didn't butcher the flow of the story (personally I preferred the shorter version). Hope you enjoy this chapter, oh and FEEL FREE TO SEND ME SOME INNUENDO'S/PICK-UP LINES/DIRTY _DIRTY _STUFF THROUGH A REVIEW. Or anything you'd like to see - as well as maybe telling me who you'll think will show to be _quite _the pervert. XD **

_**~adeusparaiso**_


	3. Morally robbed allies

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of it's characters, make no profit, yada yada yada, blah blah blah, I am but a mere pawn in the grand design of life. This is to all you people who have to deal with arranged marriages. I don't feel your pain.

* * *

**

**PERVERSION TACTICS

* * *

**

**Chapter Three: Morally robbed allies.**

The village hidden in the leaves was buzzing with the latest talk.

Women giggled. Men conspired. Children gambled.

News of all three contestant's attempts the day before was the hottest talk in the Fire Country, and from what a shinobi returning from Rock Country had said, apparently was the hottest talk in all the Shinobi Nations. Everybody bugged everybody on their opinion, everybody bugged Genma on his opinion, everybody bugged Anko on her opinion, everybody bugged Kakashi on his opinion. And all three of them basked in the attention like the glory-whores that they were.

"I'm disappointed in the Inuzaka, knowing how wild his family is you'd think he'd be in his prime with this." Kakashi said.

"From wha' I heard the Hyuuga boy _really _left people pantin', _damn I wish I was there._" Anko sighed.

"Best tactic with women is _definitely _the cute angle, I'm so surprised that Naru-boy actually did it!" Genma cried.

While the whole village took their judges sacred words and pondered on the meanings underneath the meaning (one could never be too sure with Kakashi), Kiba, Naruto and Neji continued to be scrutinized and given advice every now and then. Well, in all actuality, Kiba got sympathetic and/or pitying looks, Naruto got most of the advice and hard pats on the back, and Neji was looked at with something akin to awe and a lot of suspicion.

Over at the academy, it was just turning three pm once more when Umino Iruka finally let his class leave for the day. The kids had run out of the class as if the very devil were on their heels, many of some were crying. He cleared his desk with jerky movements, eyebrows scrunched up in distress, mouth set in a thin line and body tense. He finished cleaning all to quickly, and found himself staring murderously at the classroom as if accusing it of not distracting him for too long. But after realizing just how crazy it was to accuse a _room _of such a thing, he sighed and threw himself back into his chair, slowly massaging his temple where a headache was throbbing painfully behind his eyes.

Iruka had always thought the ratio between perverts and sane in Konoha was slightly in favour of the former - he'd always been realistic enough to know the village was completely filled with insane bastards who mostly all read Icha Icha. But he'd never known just to what extent that had been true; hell, he'd never thought the _whole _village were completely mentally unstable, he'd never thought _everybody _would egg on the three boys (for they'd always be boys in his eyes!) to do such a thing, and he'd never before thought the village's insatiable libido would actually _affect, pollute _someone. He'd never, in his wildest dreams, thought raging hormones could ever _corrupt_ someone as stoic and reserved as Hyuuga Neji.

But they had. They'd polluted a Hyuuga.

By the gods this was more frightening then Akatsuki.

The Chuunin sensei had tried everything, _everything_. He'd demanded Tsunade to stop this insanity, only to have a form of complaint shoved in his face and told - by _her_ of all people - to follow protocol if he had something to complain about. Dammit he _worked _at the Mission Office practically _every _other day, he _knew _what forms there were to fill, he didn't need to be told to do such a thing! Fuming, he'd gone to Shizune to try and get her to speak to their irresponsible Hokage. That hadn't worked too. Apparently Shizune had a bet (and a date) riding on this thing. Iruka, listening to his instincts, wisely didn't ask _with who_.

So he'd tried, and tried, and _tried_, asking the Inuzaka's and Hyuuga's that they disapprove of this and get their charges to drop out. The Inuzaka's had outright laughed at him, poked him around a bit (they were _far _too touchy-feely) and theorised he only wanted them to drop out so Naruto would win. The Hyuuga's had been far less irritating, and all of them had sympathised with him and slowly told him it would be for the better if he merely resigned himself to this - for his sanity, if nothing else.

"So you're going to _allow _Neji to _do _this?"

Hiashi, who despite popular belief had a nice, friendly, relationship with Iruka, coughed into his hand and looked everywhere but at him. "This is Neji's choice. If nothing else I can give him this."

Oh, so _now _he wanted to show some compassion for his brother's son.

Iruka wisely didn't say that out loud.

There was nobody else left to try and _talk _to; he knew he couldn't say anything to Kakashi, the man was perversion personified. Genma and Anko were _complete _lost cases - actually, he could probably threaten mortal wounds on Anko and have her at the very least drop out as a judge - hell, maybe even scare Genma with a few choice threats; but Kakashi would most likely only recruit somebody else - or judge all by _himself_. Knowing how the man _loved _complicated things, he'd probably do a Kage Bunshin and have them henge into two people and generally control everything _underneath the underneath_.

Feeling completely outnumbered and defeated, Iruka slugged back home with a weary sigh only to crash into a wall of steel.

A wall of _green _steel.

"Ah! Fair and Wise Iruka-sensei! I am Most Pleased to Have Found you! We must converse of the Utmost Of Issues Pertaining Our Lovely Village and Even More Lovely Students! COME!"

And with that, Iruka was hoisted onto a green shoulder and dashed before he could even blink in distress.

* * *

_Oh_, the _humiliation_. The whole Inuzaka family _and their dogs _had practically _alienated _him, his own _mother _and _sister _had treated him like _dirt_, even _Akamaru _was giving him the most pity-filled looks he'd ever _seen_.

All because stuck-up Hyuuga and naïve-far-too-positive Naruto had gotten one over him.

Damn it! How the hell had they done so much better then he had _anyway_? Naruto barely even knew _anything _about the reproductive system; the idiot still thought babies came from the Ramen Gods! And Neji! _Neji! _The last time they'd tried getting anything out of him and had mentioned a few things guys tended to do quite often in the privacy of their bedroom; he'd paled dramatically, punched Naruto in the nose (the idiot was the closest) and disappeared in the fastest _shunshin _any of them had seen. So why was he actually _doing _this, and _actually being good at it?_

Feeling complete and utter despair, the boy without a dog (Akamaru had _abandoned _him!) trudged around the empty training ground his team usually used. They'd all just finished training together, just some average spars against one another and then team-ups against Kurenai and her genjutsu ass-kicking. Shino had been infuriatingly silent, more so then usual anyway, and Hinata, ever the sweet girl, had told him "y-you can do it, K-Kiba-kun…".

Kurenai seemed to have absolutely no clue what was going on, but considering she'd been a bit too busy getting frisky with a bearded chain-smoker, Kiba couldn't really hold it against her. Instead, he had to put his head down and get down to business.

The village wanted dirty, _filthy _come-ons? Then by the gods they'd get dirty, _filthy_ come-ons.

With determination burning bright and strong in his chest (as Gai likes to say "burn with the flames of youth!"), Kiba stuffed his hands in his pocket and looked up from the floor he was solemnly staring at. Immediately, his eyesight zoned into a young female adult practising taijutsu against a few wooden targets. Her form was beautiful, and the vest that signalled her as a Chuunin was so _form fitting _Kiba was in awe. A short, stylish haircut of the colour blonde fell around her face, messy fringe in what Kiba could possibly see as ice blue eyes. Oh yeah, _definitely _one good looking chick right there. Kiba tastes, having been influenced heavily by being in a female-dominated clan like the Inuzaka's, happened to steer more to the _hot-damn _looking women that could easily kick your ass. Maybe it was all the abuse he suffered at the hands of his mother, or sister, or aunty, or grandma.

'_Grandma and her bull-hounds.'_

Shuddering at the thought, he strode over with determined long steps to the woman, grinning from cheek to cheek and showing some rather fascinating sharp canines. The beautiful lady picked up on his chakra, and out of common courtesy among all shinobi's (because really, ninja's are _all _about honour), stopped to see what he could want from her.

"Hey, I see you're training alone. How about we spar, eh?"

"Hmm…" The beauty looked him up and down, and Kiba tried suppressing an uncharacteristic blush (it _is _uncharacteristic, damn you!) as her eyes took on a far from innocent look. "Sure handsome, let's see what _fun _we could get up too."

So they trained, silently coming to the agreement for only taijutsu and weapons to be used. Blows were traded, dirty tricks used and utilized (_damn_, she almost kicked him in the nuts!) and they Kiba was victim to his first ever grope-fest - and was blushing to the very roots of his hair. But he had a _plan! _A plan to get back his honour! His pride! Hisbadass-ness! And he would not deter from this plan! No! By the gods he'd-

-Wait… He could say something even _better _then what he was going to say… Something that might possibly get him a second… _Spar_ with pretty ice-blue lady… Oh _yeah_, damn this was like hitting two birds with two stones!

… Or was it three stones…? Or… One…?

Naah, had to be two. What kind of idiot would need _three? _And it's logically impossible to hit two moving targets (hell, even stationary) with just _one _rock.

Pfft, imbeciles.

With sweat running down his back, Kiba grinned with glee even while trying to even out his breathing again. His _victim_ was gasping for her herself, and both had the pleased grins on their face signifying a good fight. They sat down beneath a tree, drinking water from their personal water flasks, trading names and small, non-important information like which restaurants they'd like to go too. Luckily enough for him, the conversation began steering to that of interests in specific types of _relationships_ (he's a teenage boy! What does he know of relationships other then "friends" and "enemies-I-need-to-beat-up"?) and so Kiba, hoping to _god _this gets back _at least _some honour in his family's eyes (he's tired of waking up with multiple dog shit all over him!), says what's been in his mind ever since morning.

"You actually look like my type: nice hair, beautiful eyes, amazing body," Oh yeah, _definitely _an amazing body. "But there's just one problem: your clothing."

The Chuunin, Jun, scowled, looking down at her standard issue (albeit maybe a bit _too _tight) Chuunin uniform in insult. "What's wrong with my clothing?"

Kiba grinned. "They're still on."

_One, two, three- _Aaah, there it is, the understanding dawning in her eyes. Once she realised Kiba wasn't insulting her at all, she grinned herself, a predatory and _far too dangerous_ look gleaming in the way her eyes glinted.

Kiba, never exactly the brightest bulb in the lot, just grinned harder.

* * *

"Seems like the Hyuuga boy's not gonna be able to do anythin' today." Sighed Anko.

Both Genma and Kakashi looked up from their game of Go, staring at Anko with wide eyes. Anko stared right back at them, stuffing a dango in her mouth and chewing at it. For a few minutes, the three stared each other down.

Kakashi, not exactly understanding what was going on or why they were all having a staring match, was the first to speak up, blinking owlishly. "What?"

Anko broke out of her reverie, blinked a couple of times to refocus, then chewed at the dango in her mouth she'd forgotten about. "Oh yeah - I said the Hyuuga boy's not gonna do anythin' tonigh'."

"And why the hell not?" Genma hissed out. He'd '_reassured'_ twenty-five people that the Hyuuga would win, so that when he lost and the _Inuzaka _won he'd get a buttload of money - but the Hyuuga couldn't be losing _too soon _otherwise it'd be _too _suspicious!

Kakashi, on the other hand, was damn pleased with the news. "Yes, Anko. Pray tell why the Hyuuga won't be doing anything today?"

Eyes twinkling in anticipation of letting loose the latest gossip, Anko savagely bit out of another dango and chewed noisily. "Well, ya' kno' how dem Hyuuga's are an' dat. He's got an omiai(1) today."

Oh, this was _news_, Kakashi felt honestly peeved off to not have known such a thing! He hadn't thought the Hyuuga's would try and set up the boy yet, maybe when he was eighteen or something - even if they did, Gai should have sobbed about this to him! "Does Gai know?"

Anko, having read his mind, grinned devilishly. "Not a clue. Apparently this is the _third_."

Moving Kakashi's pieces to a more defeating position, Genma piped in so neither of the pair would get suspicious. "So he'll be too busy with that, eh? Does this mean the kid's gettin' married soon or what? Man, kids are getting hitched younger an' younger these days, aren't they?"

"Eh, who knows." Anko sighed, "Sources in the Mission Office say the Inuzaka's gonna get a mission soon too - small time, though. Should only take a maximum of a week, or two if he's really pathetic."

"Better not let Tsume hear da'." Genma grinned, looking around conspiringly. "She'll rip your _talents _from you man, or anything else she thinks is worse. Damn woman's like a dog, taking care of her _young _or somethin'."

Anko grunted in agreement and Kakashi soundly won the battle of Go.

* * *

The female in front of him was possibly older then him. That was the first thing he thought when he saw her. Perhaps eighteen, maybe nineteen, either way _older then him_. She was a Hyuuga, _of course_, the usual long chocolate hair and pale eyes - but apparently _still _a Genin. Trying hard not to frown, Neji sat down in the formal position across from the girl and her family, nodding politely to them. To his right was Hiashi-sama, and two men, one from the Main Family and the other a representative of collective Konoha, were to his left, lagging behind.

This whole process irritated him greatly, sitting here in front of a suitor, surrounded by _relatives_ (no matter which house or level), being forced to socialise with a 'blushing bride' and 'get to know her a little' - see if she was bride material. They all were when honestly said, but Neji didn't _want _to get married. Not yet, anyway. And if he _were_, he'd damn well choose a woman who at the very least was _powerful _or had a certain… _Talent _to her. He knew _civilian women _that had stronger auras then this _girl_.

And so, with a frown being held back by will power expected of Gai's students, the clogs began turning in Neji's head. He'd been lucky enough to get past the first two meetings by claiming the first one to be _unsuitable _for his _tastes_ - he'd said the same thing ("I prefer long-haired brunettes. With regal features. Intelligent looks about them. ") he'd told Naruto when the blonde had tried that 'sexy no jutsu' on him a long time ago, and uncle had accepted it with nothing but a nod. The second had been dismissed after she'd blushed and stuttered at every word, then consequently fainted after five minutes into the meeting.

But this third one was very much his type. Other then the fact that she obviously had no talent or skill to speak off (he was younger then her and a _Jounin_), she very much had the appearance he'd given a small description off to both Naruto and Hiashi, she had that clever look about her - perhaps she was more of a Sakura then a Tenten - but with absolutely no feeling or _anything _that would give a lasting impression to passer-by's.

Brain working, he took stock of her family. The family (and consequently hopeful-bride-to-be) were of the Main Family. Considering Neji had been acting Branch Head for the past ten years or so and would be acting from here on out, well, the women of the Main Family were generally as much fair game to him as they were to any other Main Branch Hyuuga.

The mother and father both held signs of wealth and nobility, the mother more so then the father with her plump red cheeks and long aristocratic nose she was using to look _down _on him. Of course they knew who he was, everybody knew who he was - Hyuuga Neji, son of Hiashi-sama's twin brother; Branch Family. Despite many of the young women in the clan _dying _to be his bride, the mother would of course try and play hard to get, as if she wasn't already anticipating the _royalty _she would be associated with if her daughter married Hiashi's very nephew.

The thought irritated him greatly.

"Now we'll allow you two to converse and get to know one another while we grown ups talk."

There was the signal, the signal to his doom. Moving on from analyzing the parents, he took a chance and glanced at the two 'aides' that were only here to make this legit for the clan elders and village. They were both old, wizened men, and were watching him like an eagle watching it's food, just _daring _him to try anything.

It was then that he got an idea.

Face relaxing, he turned his focus back on the woman, corners of his lips curling up into a deceptively sultry smile. To all non-Hyuuga's, it would just look like another small Hyuuga smile, disarming but devoid of any meaning yet holding a thousand as secrets, but Hyuuga's were capable of deciphering their own body language and it was evident in how Hiashi raised an eyebrow in surprise and the way the female it was directed her blushed heavily in response that they understood the subtle difference.

The girl's parents missed the small exchange completely, too busy in trying to seem professional and level-headed as they struck the finer details of the marriage with the clan head. But one of the two 'aides' caught the gesture, leaning into the other and whispering. Oh, they caught it alright, and with it, Neji felt a small amount of delinquent pleasure in seeing them frown and try to figure out what he was playing at.

Now, he just had to do this perfectly as to get him out of this _and_ save face. He couldn't cause trouble for his uncle, or cause any sort of bad publicity for the Hyuuga clan. But if there was one thing he'd learnt in his Genin days and due to his sensei, it was subtlety.

You wouldn't think that considering his sensei was the incredibly green_ Mighto Gai_.

But for an incredibly tall and large man such as him, in _green spandex _no less, to be able to get into high-security buildings and assassinate men considered to be as strong as Hokage's and S-rank Criminals _must _mean he had some serious skills. Even more skills then the average shinobi considering he had to hide the green spandex and his large frame too. Plus the appearance usually had people underestimating him - and if there was one thing Neji had learnt since his Genin days, it was how underestimating _anyone_, even a child or old lady, could end messily.

So he sat up straighter, relaxing his body from the tension and rigidness expected in such formal events, and with the eyes of everybody in the room trained on him, he gave the awe-stricken female another smile, this one far more of a beckoning smirk then a smile, feeling even more sadistic pleasure from seeing both the girl and her mother blush heavily and almost choke on thin air.

With his uncle watching him, he took a pitcher of cold water, poured out some for himself, put it down and took a nice long drink, letting the cool water run down his throat while intentionally building up the anticipation and tension in the room. Once he was finished drinking, he put it down again, the glass and his fingers a bit too close to the girl's own hands, smirking once more.

"So, what are the chances we can engage in anything more than just conversation?"

The response was instant, both mother and daughter feinted on the spot, the father worriedly called their names, trying to fan them both into consciousness, while both aides gaped in raw shock. His uncle was a lot more dignified, staring blankly on at Neji as the young Hyuuga once more took the glass of water and drank from it again, acting as if nothing was wrong with the world.

Putting the glass back on the table, Neji dusted himself off while standing up, looking over to his uncle with a schooled face. "Well uncle, I'll be going to train."

And he left without another word.

* * *

Brimming with excitement, Naruto was bouncing to his favourite location: Ichiraku Ramen.

He was _so _going to eat _till he dropped_, was _so _going to enjoy how the village seemed to buzz around him and everybody was all smiles and grins with thumbs up and pats on the back, congratulating him on his awesomeness last time. He hadn't seen the other two guys around, not since that night at the restaurant, but apparently Kiba hadn't done so good, Neji had. _'Oh well, less competition for me!' _Totally, because Neji is _so not _competition! Not only that, but he had the _greatest _help _possible_, Kakashi-sensei! _Sure_, the weirdo usually gave him hints by stuffing Icha Icha Books where his Instant Ramen Cups should have been, but hey those things _actually _helped! And once he'd reread them all (what else does one do when Jiraiya is off 'researching'?) he'd really understood what the public wanted of him in terms of perversion.

Basically, they wanted him to channel Kakashi-sensei. Oh, and Jiraiya too. Yup, he could do that; easy stuff right there - he'd just have to pretend to be doing a henge of them (for like a mission, y'know?) except without the actual henge.

Hehe, guess Kiba never thought of that.

Having spotted his fav local, he sprinted the rest of the way and sat down on the counter seats as quickly as possible, screaming for three miso, two pork and a seafood special. He's practically eating seconds by the time somebody sits next to him, and while inhaling his third seafood special, he glances over and see's that it's a woman.

Well, today's a new day, isn't it?

Licking off the last off the bowl, he waves off Teuchi and forestalls getting another wave of ramen shoved down his throat. Instead, he turns in his seat to face the pretty lady - dark blue hair, short cropped to frame around her face, brown eyes, red paint on her lips - and grins his megawatt grin.

"Hey there."

Teuchi and Ayame watch with growing fascination as the woman glances at him in return and hesitantly replies. "Uuh, hi."

Naruto's grin grows _brighter_.

"I see you're wearing clothes." The girl looks at him even strangely. Teuchi and Ayame look at each other in confusion. Naruto's all smiles and sunshine. "I'm wearing clothes too. We should get together sometime and do something about it."

One, two, _three_- the woman snorts, Teuchi turns away to hide his chuckles and Ayame frowns in distaste.

"Here's some advice kid," Teuchi said, leaning on the counter while he addressed Naruto. "Stick to the cute curve, it usually works for someone of your disposition - only do straight and direct when you know it'll hit. _Every time. _Misses only make you seem… Well…"

"Geeky." Ayame supplied.

Naruto didn't know what to say to that.

* * *

**AN: I do believe this is a tad bit longer then the last two chapters, so let's say it's a reward for your patience? I dunno, I'm not in the same country I was before, I'm surrounded by children, I'm in _sweden - _where it's snowing. _Snowing. _And the internet I'm using now is the dude upstair's who my brothers threatened into telling us the password. Sweet lad. I think. SO ANYWAY, hope you enjoy this chapter, oh please, once more, FEEL FREE TO SEND ME SOME INNUENDO'S/PICK-UP LINES/DIRTY _DIRTY _STUFF THROUGH A REVIEW. Or anything you'd like to see - as well as maybe telling me who you'll think will show to be _quite _the pervert. Adeus!**

**~_adeusparaiso_**


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